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Welcome again to Sunday 4-Play, a weekly Sunday present assessment column whereby I fake I don’t lie supine within the bathtub each Saturday night time clutching a bong the scale of a culvert pipe whereas desperately hoping our collective, eight-year waking nightmare ends earlier than I’m compelled to spontaneously exfil my long-beleaguered eyeballs with a reduction Fleet Farm ice auger.
In different phrases, I discover clips from the Sunday exhibits (4 of them, to be exact), transcribe them, add some commentary, and hope it in some way helps me address the serial depredations of 1 Donald John Trump.
So the 2 huge political tales of the week had been Trump getting arrested and Republicans gathering for his or her first main election debate to fake it doesn’t matter.
Full disclosure: I didn’t watch the controversy. Between the chloroform-suffused reproofs of Asa Hutchinson, the tub salts suppository that’s Vivek Ramaswamy, and Ron DeSantis’ determined makes an attempt to move the Turing take a look at earlier than anybody discovers he’s a semi-ambulant pores and skin Furby being remotely managed by a moist sack of lemmings, it was altogether an excessive amount of to bear.
That stated, it’s a bit of untimely for Disney to launch the animatronic DeSantis statue for its well-known Corridor of Presidents, isn’t it?
Holy frosted fuckballs, Gladys. I’ve seen fourth grade ebook experiences that sounded much less rehearsed than that. His smile is about as pure because the polypropylene rod caught up his ass. What made this dude assume he may run a profitable marketing campaign, anyway? He’s like a Manchurian candidate who runs for president whereas he’s being hypnotized.
Oh, and you’ll have seen that Trump’s Georgia mug shot (aka suburban voter repellent) was launched this week, too. What can you actually say about it, apart from he seems like a literal satan? Which is nice, I assume, as a result of how else would we ever know that Donald Trump is offended about one thing? He’s like a black field … filled with shrieking dingos. If the DMV had taken that picture, his driver’s license would now stipulate he’s required to put on corrective lenses, a full-body nicotine patch leotard, and a minimum of one military-grade Hannibal Lecter muzzle.
However sufficient of that man. The Frighty-AF Indictee wouldn’t dare seem on any of the Sunday exhibits. In contrast to these people.
1.
First up … the cool new fascist on the block, Vivek Ramaswamy. Ugh.
Rumor has it Trump skipped the primary GOP debate as a result of he was nonetheless workshopping nicknames for this man. “Vivek-section” doesn’t actually roll off the tongue the best way it ought to. “Ramaswampy” sounds higher, however the man appears extra keen to empty the so-called D.C. swamp than Trump is.
We mainly simply discovered about this man, and already he’s fucking exhausting. He’s just like the dude on the celebration nobody is aware of or invited, however who nonetheless in some way insinuates himself into each dialog. God is aware of why Blecch* Bro determined to rise up in our faces now. Perhaps he was the excessive bidder on David Crosby’s deserted storage locker and located his premium stash.
Ramaswamy was on “Meet the Press” with a out of the blue very tired-looking Chuck Todd explaining how he’d be higher than—however nonetheless simply as fucking superior as!—Donald Trump.
*H/t to Mort Drucker and Mad journal.
TODD: “Look, a political neophyte outsider turned president and couldn’t get loads of the issues accomplished that he needed to get accomplished, in Donald Trump. Why do you assume any individual with much less expertise than Donald Trump had is in some way going to make the federal authorities operate in a manner that you just’re outlining.”
RAMASWAMY: “So I feel there’s three issues I’d say. The primary is, now we have that have to be taught from. I wish to construct on the muse that Trump laid. Frankly, I’ll invite him as an adviser and a mentor. I don’t wish to relearn the identical classes. I wish to decide up the place he left off in taking over the executive state. The second factor, Chuck, is I do assume it must be an outsider to tackle that administrative state, however I additionally assume it must be an outsider who has a deep, first private understanding of the legal guidelines and structure of this nation. I feel Trump was in lots of circumstances duped by his managerial advisers, for instance, who stated you could’t fireplace staff within the federal authorities as a consequence of civil service protections. Learn the legislation. Seems these civil service protections solely apply to particular person firings, to not mass layoffs. Mass layoffs are completely what I’ll carry to the D.C. paperwork. And I feel the truth that I’m from a special era, Chuck, will probably be an asset. I’m capable of attain younger Individuals. I’m capable of attain individuals who haven’t historically been introduced into the mould of Republican politics. I do not even discuss Republicans and Democrats, and so I feel I can construct a better ethical mandate throughout generations that helps unite Individuals across the America First agenda somewhat than making it a strictly partisan affair.”
First off, gradual the fuck down, man. Have a Sanka or one thing. Simply since you’re campaigning in Iowa doesn’t imply you need to sound such as you’re auctioning hogs. We get it. You’ve obtained huge dick vitality. Hoo-boy, do you ever. In reality, it’s almost not possible to hearken to you for greater than 30 seconds with out considering of a giant dick. You’re just like the Fukushima of dicks, dude.
Secondly, he desires Trump to be an adviser? For what? Methods to discover the perfect Dunkin’ Donuts in Arlington? Methods to bury a rival mobster—or your ex-wife—with out anybody noticing?
Lastly, he desires to make fascism cool and relatable to youthful generations! He doesn’t even discuss Republicans and Democrats. He talks about shedding civil servants en masse to create a military of handpicked toadies answerable solely to him. As a result of if there’s one factor youthful generations need extra of after 4 years of Trump, it’s autocratic kakistocracy.
RELATED: Sunday 4-Play: One other week, one other Trump indictment. Will his GOP opponents even discover?
2.
And now for one thing fully completely different. Mike Motherfucking (actually, it could seem) Pence!
Try this profile in porridge as he insists there’s nothing fallacious with backing the autocratic ambitions of a convicted felon who stole extremely delicate authorities paperwork, ignored the Structure he was sworn to uphold, and actually tried to finish American democracy. There’s nothing fallacious with it in case you’ve signed a toothless pledge, anyway. As a result of the sacred promise Trump would by no means honor in one million years is essential to Pence’s personal sense of propriety.
Casper the Pleasant Milquetoast was on “Face the Nation” with visitor host Nancy Cordes, and he tried his best possible to ‘splain himself.
CORDES: “We’re speaking about Ramaswamy right here, in case you don’t thoughts, Mr. Vice President. He stated that he would pardon Mr. Trump. You had been one in all six candidates on the stage who stated that you’d help Mr. Trump even when he’s convicted of a felony. Why do you’re feeling that manner, particularly because you additionally stated on the stage that you just felt that he requested you to place him earlier than the Structure. Why ought to somebody like that be president?”
PENCE: “Properly, look, I signed a pledge to be on that stage and say that I help the Republican nominee. I stay assured, extra assured after Wednesday night time, that the Republican nominee won’t be the previous president.”
Properly, one factor you possibly can say about Pence is that he’s true to his weasel phrases. He took an oath to the U.S. Structure, however he additionally made a very unenforceable promise to Ronna McDaniel. How to decide on? What would Jesus do? Most likely forged the demon out of Trump, truthfully. However that’s simply widespread sense.
RELATED: Sunday 4-Play: Trump’s legal professionals attempt to spin their incorrigible shopper’s newest indictment
3.
If it’s Sunday, it’s Chris Christie saying self-evident issues which are nonetheless extremely controversial among the many rank-and-file in his celebration.
The previous Trump footstool (he was additionally, for a time, governor of New Jersey) appeared on ABC’s “This Week” with Martha Raddatz to make extra outrageous statements about Donald Trump. Specifically, that he shouldn’t be the Republican nominee if he’s convicted of stealing and hoarding prime secret authorities paperwork and/or trying to usher in a thousand-year fascist North American reich (now with 20% extra Mexico!)
Holy shit, you’re actually going out on a limb right here, Chris. Watch out on the market.
RADDATZ: “I need you to fee your individual efficiency on Wednesday night time. Trying again on it now, is there something you’d have accomplished otherwise?”
CHRISTIE: “Not likely, Martha. I imply, I feel that I answered the questions as I all the time do, actually instantly. Appeared into the digital camera and spoke to the viewers at residence and informed them the reality. And the reality is that we are able to’t have a convicted felon as our nominee for president and anticipate we’re going to win. And it was actually essentially the most wonderful a part of the controversy to me was the concept nearly all of my rivals consider you could have a convicted felon as our nominee for president and that they help that and that he may win. I feel that’s an impossibility, and I feel what it would imply for people throughout the nation is 4 extra years of Joe Biden. And for Republican main voters, they’ve to consider what that may imply—probably a packed Supreme Courtroom, probably the elimination of the filibuster, and much more. So what’s at stake right here is we have to nominate somebody who’s confirmed that they’ll beat Democratic incumbents, and I used to be the one one on that stage that’s ever accomplished that, and I’ll beat Joe Biden if I get the nomination.”
Once more, I didn’t watch the controversy for the explanations already acknowledged, however from what I learn and heard, Christie didn’t have the breakout second he wanted. Perhaps as a result of he thinks MAGA voters give a shit about—or have even heard of—the filibuster. That form of rhetoric gained’t earn him a single MAGA backer, and he wants these voters if he’s going to go wherever in right this moment’s Republican Celebration. If he guarantees to earmark $10 billion to subsidize the acquisition of “Fuck Joe Biden” flags, he may really get some traction. However speaking about authorities coverage? That’s a loser from the beginning. He may as properly present as much as the subsequent debate in Mike Dukakis’ tank helmet.
RELATED: Sunday 4-Play: Chris Christie remains to be the one Republican really operating for president
4.
Wait, what?! Kos is on “Meet the Press”?
Kos is on “Meet the Press”!
Sure, it’s our personal Markos Moulitsas showing with former North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, who’s pushing a third-party effort generally known as No Labels. Joe Lieberman is a part of this nonsense, too. You recognize, the man who by no means obtained to be vp, thanks largely to Ralph Nader. Is that this his revenge on the nation that denied him his due?
As Every day Kos’ Meteor Blades famous in an April story on this web site, the group appears an terrible lot like a conservative astroturf group, and it’s naively (or possibly not so naively) pushing its “centrist” agenda whereas the very destiny of our planet hangs within the steadiness.
On the floor, No Labels seems centrist. However the bipartisan “steadiness” of its supposedly “smart” coverage prescriptions align with huge parts of the conservative agenda. To supply only one occasion, the group was one of many scuttlers of the unique $3.5 trillion Senate Democrats proposed to fund a clear vitality transition and insurance policies to fight local weather change. And, whereas No Labels sought funding from some rich liberals, it additionally rang up the likes of ultra-right-wingers David Koch and Peter Thiel, placing the misinform the supposed concern about extremists.
…
With democracy perched on a knife’s edge, with ladies compelled to affix livestock as beings with out reproductive rights, with the fossil gas {industry} and its puppets keen to disregard the local weather disaster, with financial inequality rampant, medical bankruptcies widespread, gun violence a plague, white supremacy nonetheless extensively embraced, a Supreme Courtroom majority peopled by reactionary liars, and LGBTQ Individuals beneath legislative assault, operating an impartial candidate intent on fantasy bipartisan compromises with Republicans who’ve proven themselves devoted to creating issues worse whereas blocking something to make them higher is certainly hooey, pernicious, and dangerous.
For sure, Kos sees proper by means of this subterfuge, and he informed McCrory to his face.
TODD: “Pat, you’re huge a part of No Labels. You guys are recruiting candidates. What is that this ticket going to appear like, and is that this a 100% dedication that there’s going to be a ticket from No Labels?”
MCCRORY: “Properly, Nikki Haley within the debate confirmed that 65% of the individuals are disgusted with each Trump and Biden being our solely decisions. They’re asking, isn’t America higher than this? Cannot now we have a more sensible choice? And the momentum, the motion of No Labels is on fireplace proper now. Persons are searching for one other alternative …”
TODD: “I get that folks don’t need …”
KOS: “No they’re not, no they’re not.”
MCCRORY: “There are lots of people, I’m telling you proper now, there are lots of people who predicted Trump would by no means be president are the identical people who find themselves saying there’s no manner in hell a 3rd celebration can win. I’m telling you, we’ve by no means had 65% of the folks disgusted with each events.”
KOS: “So No Labels is actually a motion that claims we stand for nothing. Think about going into Walmart or Goal and seeing ‘no labels’ on the merchandise …”
[CROSSTALK]
MCCRORY: “You have not learn, clearly, the 30 situation statements of No Labels.”
KOS: “No, right here. The problem assertion ignores abortion, and it has such barn-burning points reminiscent of medical tort reform. That may mild up the viewers.”
MCCRORY: “You haven’t learn it …”
KOS: “So, the truth is that it’s finance industry-heavy. … No really, I did learn it. I learn it final night time.”
MCCRORY: “Properly, Nikki Haley mainly repeated the No Labels agenda.”
KOS: “So the issue isn’t they don’t like Biden or Trump, it’s that you’re creating this concept that there’s a legendary unicorn creature that may agree with these individuals who need one thing else. That doesn’t exist. When Magellan polled [Joe] Manchin and [Jon] Huntsman, it was like, what, 12%, 15%?”
Thanks a lot, Kos. Most of us really feel assured that Biden can and can defeat Trump—assuming Trump’s the nominee—in 2024, however third-party fuckery may very well be an unwelcome X issue. God forbid these helpful fools really go forward with their plans and throw the election into chaos. In spite of everything, chaos is the place Donald Trump lives. He’d have home-field benefit. And we positive as shit can’t have that, now can we?
However wait! There’s extra!
That’s all for now, people. See you subsequent week!
Try Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, together with the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this hyperlink. Or, in case you want a take a look at drive, you possibly can obtain the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low worth of FREE.
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