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Guess who’s again?
Sure, it’s that point of 12 months once more. Don’t get me mistaken, I like Christmas — however this job will get more durable because the years go by: lengthy hours, no breaks and the pay is horrible (milk and cookies! Who will get paid in meals as of late?).
However somebody’s gotta do it — these presents received’t magically ship themselves on Christmas Eve!
And it’s not simply kids who get items, the world’s politicians do too — at the least those I deem to have been good over the earlier 12 months.
Talking of politicians, I’ve stored an in depth eye on the COP28 negotiations in Dubai, as (between you and me) I’m fairly grateful for local weather change. Do you’ve gotten any thought how chilly it will get up there within the sky in December as I fly round in my sleigh? The reindeer hold threatening to go on strike if I don’t set up some form of heating system. No less than now, the evening winter winds are a bit hotter.
I do know the children are all up in arms in regards to the planet warming, however I’m an outdated man and I’ve my opinions #sorrynotsorry. (Did I do this proper? Mrs. Claus taught me about hashtags, so I believed I’d attempt utilizing them.)
Proper — now it’s time to undergo my listing of leaders and see in the event that they deserve a present for Christmas. I don’t verify the listing twice, by the way in which, that’s simply what the music says.
Up first is a straightforward resolution …. Vladimir from Russia.
That’s a no-fly zone if I’ve ever seen one. And never as a result of I’m anxious about missiles — human know-how can’t detect me — it’s that the roofs in Purple Sq. have all the time been too pointy for me. I’m not a fan of wars both, they only don’t look like a good suggestion. After which there’s the entire Yeygeny Prigozhin enterprise, very messy.
So no presents for Vladimir this Christmas — both from me or my Russian cousin, Ded Moroz. Like final Christmas and the one earlier than that.
Subsequent on the listing is Volodymyr. Stunned he didn’t ask for a brand new sweater — however really his listing merely asks for a very good evening’s sleep. You and me each, pal! You’re on the great listing.
Subsequent is Olaf from Germany. I do know a snowman by that title, so I suppose you possibly can say I’ve a delicate spot for Olaf, and that’s most likely why he makes it onto the great listing.
So let’s give Olaf what he desires … cash. He actually wants money to repair the large gap within the German authorities’s finances.
It’s normally round this level within the night that I head south for heat, and Greece is all the time a very good possibility.
Kyriakos could make the great listing, I suppose, as he didn’t actually ask for a lot: just a few outdated marbles again. Appears honest sufficient to me. I received’t steal them for him although — I’m Santa, not a legal! — so I can solely provide ethical help.
Let’s see, who’s subsequent? Now, that is an attention-grabbing one.
Giorgia from Italy requested for a e book. The Italian prime minister desires a replica of “Uno, nessuno, centomila” by Luigi Pirandello. That’s a very good examine the concept everybody has a number of personalities. I suppose she desires to be taught extra about the best way to current completely different faces to completely different folks — good luck remembering who you actually are after that!
I simply hope she’ll perceive this e book, she appeared a bit confused in regards to the that means of the Tolkien novel she requested for a couple of years in the past.
Let’s cross the Alps. Manu’s subsequent.
Cheeky fellow, that French chief. I by no means know the place to place him, is he naughty or good? Robust one.
And he’s requested for a friendship bracelet, to offer to Viktor in Hungary. He appears to have a liking for unhealthy boys, does Emmanuel. The friendship bracelet he gave to Vladimir in Russia didn’t work out so nicely. Good on him for not giving up although.
I’ve acquired to get to Brussels now, to somebody who lives in her workplace. Ursula, I feel she’s referred to as. I’m very unhealthy with names.
She’s requested for one thing unusual: a stuffed wolf. Not simply any wolf, however a fairly particular Canis lupus generally known as GW950m. I feel he’s nonetheless alive, in order that feels a bit unethical. Let’s skip that request.
My last cease in Europe is the UK the place Boris desires a toy bus.
I don’t assume those he builds himself are notably good, so maybe he wants a mannequin to be taught from. However then once more, does he ever observe directions?
Whereas it’s good to see he realized to express regret out loud, that received’t repair all of the messes he’s made. He’s nonetheless on my naughty listing — so overlook the bus, mate. Maybe subsequent 12 months.
And guess what Rishi has requested for? Additionally a toy bus.
What are the possibilities? I’m wondering if he wants to check a method to ship immigrants to different nations by land now that his Rwanda plan is wanting unsure.
Phew, that was exhausting. I must look into hiring a helper. Even members of the European Parliament get assistants. And MEPs hardly do any work.
I’m off to the opposite aspect of the Atlantic, the place a great deal of random requests have come. Somebody referred to as Donald desires a 12 months’s provide of orange basis as a gift. However I’ll allow you to guess which listing I’ve put him on.
Merry Christmas!
Santa Claus was chatting with POLITICO’s Giulia Poloni.
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