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From the MASSACHUSETTS-ANNEXED
FRONTIER TERRITORY OF MAINE
Cheers and Jeers for July 4, 1776
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Observe: Whomever used mine solely copy of Widespread Sense to wipe their hiney in yon shitehouse this morning shall be punished by the change. Wretched cur.
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By Thy Numbers:
Days ‘til the official studying of the Declaration in Philadelphia: 4
Weight, in kilos, of “the previous bell” that shall be rung, amongst others, to assemble Philadelphia residents for the primary studying of the Declaration: 2,080
Variety of Declaration signers: 56
Variety of quills that merry-prankster delegates caught in William Whipple’s wig earlier than he seen and threw a continental hissy match: 16
Ben Franklin’s age on the time of signing: 70
Variety of signers nicknamed “Previous Bacon Face”: 1 (Samuel Chase)
Variety of Dunlap Broadsides (copies of the Declaration) that shall be made tonight by John Dunlap: 200
Variety of folks at present dwelling within the colonies: 2.5 million
Variety of occasions John Adams stepped on Thomas Jefferson’s foot in the course of the signing: 1
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Pet Pic of Thine Day: Basic Washington is an avid fox hunter, and his canine of selection is the tireless fox hound:
The rationale he makes them sleep within the steady and never the grasp’s manse will be summed up thusly: foxhound SBDs.
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CHEERS to the Declaration. The boys in Congress took a deep breath and drew a helluva line within the sand in the present day. Britain, it’s not you, it’s us. Okay, it actually is you, however…oh, that is awkward. Principally, George: piss off, with love. So what will we do now? Anybody really feel like brunch?
JEERS to the primary draft. Thank goodness “The King could dine on mine knickers” ended up in ye olde garbage can. Good choice to put off the exhausting cider, Jefferson.
CHEERS to Caesar Rodney. Listening to that the Delaware delegation was deadlocked, he rode 70 miles in wind and rain to succeed in Philadelphia in time to solid his essential vote in favor of independence. We are saying his horse deserves to have his hoof print on the doc, too.
CHEERS to niggling editors. Due to the bone-headed delegates from South Carolina and Georgia (who wish to proceed importing slaves), and the New England delegates (whose retailers nonetheless wish to generate profits serving to import them from Africa), language slamming the King for the slave commerce was deleted. C&J disagrees. However we’re positive it’s going to all be solved amicably by…effectively, definitely no later than subsequent weekend.
CHEERS to Mr. Loud and Proud. Rumor has it that Continental Congress president John Hancock was the one delegate who has truly signed the doc. The remainder will achieve this after the “engrossed prints” are prepared subsequent month. The actual cause: his signature was such a behemoth they ran out of ink.
JEERS to the Hessians. For signing on with King George III and committing troops to do his soiled work preventing us. To indicate our displeasure, German sausage shall henceforth be generally known as “freedom weenies.”
CHEERS to John Adams: “I’m effectively conscious of the toil and blood and treasure it’s going to price us to keep up this declaration, and help and defend these states. But via all of the gloom I see the rays of ravishing mild and glory. I can see that the tip is price all of the means. That is our day of deliverance.” That is inspiring, sir. However the query was, can we please open a window?
CHEERS to good eatin’. Yummy yum yum. By no means will there be a time like the current when the meals upon which we feast might be extra fabulous:
Usually talking, the meals scene in 1776 was constructed round just some staples: fats, meat, salt, bread and alcohol. (There is a good cause all the rich founding fathers look so plump in these previous portraits.) Contemporary greens have been seasonal, and shellfish—together with lobster—was thought of “pig meals.” …
Colonial delicacies was primarily based on the English mannequin, which meant a number of boiled meals and puddings, together with pigeon pudding. Sure, you learn that proper. Pigeon pudding.
Does it get any higher than that? I ought to say not. A minimum of, not except they’ll good the syrup of the corn and the fats of trans. Fats likelihood!
JEERS to the apple falling removed from the tree. William Franklin, illegitimate son of Benjamin and former Royal Governor of New Jersey, was little greater than a lap canine for the King. He is at present underneath home arrest. They need to paper his partitions with the Declaration simply to rub it in. Memo to dad: see what occurs while you assume with the incorrect head?
JEERS to wigs. On this summer season warmth, they itch like burlap on buttock. Can we declare independence from these smelly issues, too?
CHEERS to the ladies. Not solely are they preserving our homesteads maintained in our absence, they’re additionally fairly good in a skirmish. And there even appears to be a sure time of the month once they can heave cannonballs with naked palms at nice velocity. Wonderful. Maybe we must always grant them a proper or two sooner or later. Maybe.
CHEERS to beating again the skeptics. Worrywart delegate John Dickinson says independence is untimely: “It will be like destroying our home in winter and exposing a rising household earlier than we’ve bought one other shelter.” Yeah, effectively, the present landlord is a petulant loopdee-doo so…potato puhtahto.
JEERS to the Grand Union Flag. Look, I am not saying it is unhealthy or something. The 13 stripes are artistic—one for every colony an’ all that. However the British emblem sticks in my craw. Whaddya all take into consideration perhaps some stars? I do know a good seamstress on the town who can churn ’em out with a single snip.
CHEERS to the music makers. It takes rather a lot ‘o guts for our regiment musicians to stroll across the area of battle tootin’ and tappin’ whereas scorching lead is whizzing by their heads. Yankee Doodle at all times rallies the troops, though I am a fan of the lesser identified…
Jingle bells, King George Smells
Burgoyne laid an egg
Cornwallis took a piss
And sprayed it on Howe’s leg.
Only one minor quibble. Love the fife…love the drum. However would you thoughts including just a little extra cowbell?
JEERS to “Feminine Combatants.” This British political cartoon truly says, “I am going to drive you to obedience, you rebellious slut” and options womanly nakedness. Can the “lamestreameth media” probably sink any decrease?
CHEERS to Market and Seventh Streets. The brick home on this nook in Philadelphia is the place Delegate Jefferson spent most of his time writing the Declaration. When he moved out, the maids have been cleansing his room for days. (His approach with phrases is as exact as his intention round a piss bucket isn’t.)
CHEERS to the underside line. Hancock: “We have to be unanimous; there have to be no pulling alternative ways; we should grasp collectively.” Franklin: “Sure. We should all grasp collectively or most assuredly we will all grasp individually.” Us: Gulp.
And a postscript…
CHEERS to going out collectively. On July 4, 1826—50 years to the day after the primary delegate signed the Declaration—each John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died inside hours of one another (Jefferson went first, thus making Adams’ closing phrases—”Jefferson survives”—a bit awkward). Pay your respects to J.A. right here and to T.J. right here. And pray that sooner or later we’re lucky sufficient to have statesmen like them working this place once more. (Minus the slaveholding and Alien & Sedition Acts. Ahem…)
Yon creaky floorboards be open…What are ye cheering and jeering about in the present day?
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